What happens when all of our dreams suddenly disappear because we wake up on one…
Thank you dear friends
When I got sick I felt like being left alone by the medical system very fast. I was wondering about my own resources and about the people in my surroundings. I had to swallow the fact that many of my friends couldn’t cope with my state of being. I’ve got many advices and was overwhelmed by all the possible reasons for my sickness and the treatments that I should undergo. I’ve tried a few but felt quite alone in the end since nothing seemed to work out.
I had to learn that I had to accept the fact that I had to sense all the symptoms and all the strange sensations in my body during the treatment all by myself and that it was simly not possible for anyone to imagine what I was going through. I had put much trust into the doctors but felt worse after every month of another treatment.
It was especially difficult for my partner to work at daytime and to face a sick man in the evening for months now. All our plans fell apart. All that was left was the opportunity to live from moment to moment.
It was a deep valley of transition I’ve started walking through. And I was withdrawing from my friends. It was a very lonely period. I’ve tried to connect with people who are suffering the same disease but somehow I’ve never got contact. We simply missed each other. During this time I strongly felt the importance of not accepting my new title of being a sick man. Instead I had to find meaning and confidence in the way ahead.
It was in Taize last year when I was eating together with other people after a long time of solitude. I was still not able to join conversations and did a week in silence. Later on in Findhorn I was joining a group for the first time again sitting in a circle and doing trips out into nature.
Slowly the necessary step was growing to take full responsibility for everything that had happened to me as well as to be clear that my future would be the result of the actions and decisions I would undertake in the months to come.
Now I can say thank you to all my friends who have managed to let go of the man they knew before and to assist with talks and experiences. Thank you as well to leave me in retreat for such a long time and to say hello and welcome again when I get out of the cave here and there.
I definitely appreciate our meeting again the last days back in Germany. I feel a lot of love and understanding. I feel homeland and belonging and I might need your help when it’s time to return to work and normal life again. It’s still a challenging time and I am still busy finding out what I need most for my healing.
It’s good to know that you are there!