June 2016


letting go of the past

Initially I thought I would be healthy again when the year began. In reality I was fooling myself. I was still fighting my situation and wanted to return back to normal. Normal – that was my old state of being.

© wernermarkus.com

In those days I was not able to do any sports. I had to be satisfied with some small walks and even those have been limited to a few minutes out enjoying some fresh air. Often I felt like I had to turn around immediately not to loose my consciousness or to go straight into a vertigo which would put me onto the barren ground I was standing on. I was frightened about what was happening to my body and unlike other patients who had my diagnosis I wasn’t able to cope well with. All attempts to pretend to be the one I has been failed. I had to surrender to not knowing what was going on with me.

In early spring I decided to do a short trip to France together with my partner. The goal and our destination was Taizé – the monastery of Frère Roger close to Cluny. It was the first time I confronted myself with other people again. Being dizzy and about to drop everything due to a vertigo attack has changed my social behaviour drastically.

I was grateful for any day that I’ve “survived” and felt humble in front of God.

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I was remembering that I’ve been to Taizé years before in much better life circumstances. Pope Francis had announced a Year of Mercy in 2016 and according to his wish the brothers in Taizé put an emphasis on mercy this year as well. God has mercy with the suffering of man. I often found myself having compassion with my situation. I felt like returning to God wholeheartedly beginning to feel into what has happened the past years in my life. The biggest lesson I got was to start forgiving. I had to begin forgiving myself first of all and the countless people I’ve put blame onto. There have been many disappointments and struggles. People have been hurting me and I certainly did vise versa. I discovered all the losses once more and all the failures. I mourned about all the dreams that had not come true and all the visions that still felt very real and possible. A community life was one of those.

Back in Germany I ran into an amazing quote that made me laugh about this life I was in. It gave me a little hope for the first time.

EVER tried.
Ever failed.
No matter.
TRY again.
Fail again.
Fail better.

Samuel Beckett