How to manage a disease?
It’s been a few months ago since I came home from Brazil. I take the medication I’ve received there on a daily basis. It’s working on me even when I don’t feel the active interventions any longer. The visits from the world beyond this visible realm of humankind have stopped. It’s was completely different in Brazil. The symptoms are still the same and I have to undergo many different consultations with different doctors. This time they want to know about my neurological system. Especially the vertigo might be caused by some kind of brain damage. There are convinced that there must be a physical problem behind my state of being.
It’s September when they all agree that there is nothing to find in my brain and nothing wrong with my nerves. In August I am visiting another hematologist for the first time. He seems to be a specialist in Germany regarding Polycythemia vera. He is doing a lot of research and is connected to a network of specialists from around the globe. A vivid exchange of knowledge seems to be possible here especially with the US.
But there is something more exciting happening to me: I TRUST HIM.
I have to admit that there are big differences between the docs, hospitals and research laboratories. Twice more I hear the doctors saying that I have to adjust to the treatment of blood letting. I should accept it and should get used to. I am most happy that there is still an inner voice telling me that there are other possibilities as well.
By Mali (German Wikipdia, uploaded there by User Mali) [GFDL or CC-BY-SA-3.0], via Wikimedia Commons
This alternative way leads me to a hospital and research center in Aachen – West Germany. As soon as I had the confirmation that there was nothing wrong concerning my neurological system the forcus naturally went to hematology again.
Something starts flowing again. Quickly I change the hemalogist in my home town and find someone else close to where I live. The professor in Aachen agree to work together as far as possible. Somehow there seems to be no problem any longer. I have to search for a psychiatrist as well since the medication that I am going to take in future needs more observation. Depression and suicide are side effects. I feel release. Two years of hell are behind me and there is a little sprout of hope that my life circumstances will turn to the better now.
I feel that there is no either-or involved in my decision to work on my healing project. I would love to reach a win win situation. Western physical medicine are doing intense research on my disease at the moment and there might be new medications coming out in the years ahead. On the other hand I know about the importance to watch out for my thoughts and emotions and to take care for my circumstances. I want to follow my inner guidance and use the knowledge of the latest research at the same time. There might be a chance of building bridges between the disciplines of “Energetic healing” and “Physical medicine” in future. I strongly feel like the vessel of an alchemist. The ingredients might turn to ‘Gold’ knowing how to deal with my fate. Overcoming my disease is more connected to a life purpose again. I am tested and asked for my own inner wisdom. I like the notion of ‘wrestling’ here because that’s how my encounter with this state of being feels like. It’s not a daily fight with some kind of symptoms that I’m involved in. It’s no task and no acceptance either. Wrestling with my state of being promises an award. I feel that I need patience and endurance. I have to put energy into the process. I want to be awake and aware and open to any changes that have to be taken along the path of healing. I have to let go of things that are not working out any longer. I have to reconciliate with everything in the past. Otherwise I am bound to spend my energy on the past instead of the future and I loose life force.
To sum it up I:
- decided to no longer accept my physical state of being.
- have surrounded myself with people I can trust.
I am ready to walk this path of healing with all the decisions and consequences ahead of me.
I feel like doing something different.